Taking for granted…
First I have to preface this intended article on the basis that I am talking about people who love each other, even adore each other, and wish for a long happy life with that person. I have some experience in this arena, and from perspectives a lot of you probably wouldn’t believe (one or two of you might). I am going to talk from the perspective of a male with female, but it applies to all. It’s just a perspective I’m comfortable with.
Setup
Some relationships are set up to fail from the beginning for many tried and true reasons (I’m referring to reasons why people get together in the first place): Alcohol, peer pressure, expectations from parents, expectations from self at “established” ages in life, expectations for a mate clouding the reality of who is actually standing before you, dishonesty from the mate about who they are, your own dishonesty, immaturity, mental disorders (not a joke, though I chuckle from some experience), wanting to get out of a bad situation, religion, loneliness. Yeah, just a few. There’s more, but these cover a lot of bases.
Reasons why people stay in failing relationships: fear
Okay, I’ll elaborate on that just a bit. Fear of being alone, fear of financial loss, fear for children, fear of breaking established friendships and family ties, fear of being alone. Oh, I said that one. Well, it’s a big one.
Seems we humans find comfort even in negative relationships. It’s that persistent and adaptive part of our species that screws up a lot of lives including offspring. But just as we can adapt to ongoing negative stimuli, we can just as well adapt to new challenges that in the long run better ourselves and are better for ourselves and those connected to us.
Reasons for failure of a relationship are often rooted in the setup surrounding the forming of the relationship and those reasons that have little to do with us as a unique and creating individual.
I’m not going to here go into how one needs to establish themselves as a whole person instead of trying to find that in someone else. Or that no one else can make you happy, you make yourself happy. Someone else can boost you to new heights, inspire you to grow, charge you with feelings of contentment, joy and even wonder, but you have to do the work on knowing yourself, liking what you know, and then expressing your gifts.
That’s another article.
Assuming…
So let’s assume that we are talking about people who are together for better reasons than listed in the setup above. You met the person doing something you love, or were introduced, and a spark or a familiarity came over the both of you. You have a lot of things in common, you think alike, you have the same motivations in life, same religious views - or lack thereof, you like the way each other looks, smells, feels. You like their energy. Not a bad place to start.
Humanity reasserts…
So you’re in a relationship with someone you love. Humans have a propensity toward pattern, recognizing them, exercising them. Every human being is unique. We all have some commonalities regarding needing to eat, breathe, sleep, use the bathroom, we have generally the same physical modalities, and we all have a desire to express ourselves in some way.
Life comes at us and thrusts upon us the mantle of responsibility for ourselves and others. With that, we care, nurture, love, share. Some of us take more than we give, some give more than they should (in a way that reduces their ability and, dare I say, necessity, to remain healthy, mentally, physically, spiritually).
There is a certainty that opposites attract, and then bug the hell out of each other with that opposition later on. As the years move on we tend to fall into predictable patterns, not for just our own selves, but for those we love. And over time that, and they, become so much accepted “background” that we often don’t think of them until catastrophe or unhappiness stirs one to motivate attention. We listen (or cover our ears if the voicing is too loud), look at the situation, promise to do better, and then return to familiarity. To pattern.
Take a look…
Instead of allowing pattern and moving our loved ones to the stigma of “background”, we need to actively step outside ourselves, and our lives, and truly view what is, and who is, before us. Take the time, literally, schedule it if you have to, take it away from all those other things that are truly the background to the two of you moving through life.
Now that you have that time, just sit, watch the other person (they don’t have to know about this, and it would help if they didn’t), take out a pencil and paper and just observe and write what you see and feel. Let your mind comb over all they are and do for you, for themselves, what makes you smile about them, what makes you think about them when you're not with them.
You can do this mentally, but writing it is incredibly valuable feedback, we react to it differently when we get away from just that mercurial, insubstantial thought process and see it in concrete, and unchangeable form of letters and words on paper. If you’re so inclined, draw pictures that represent what you see and feel about the other person. This isn’t to be graded or corrected in any way, so don’t care about spelling either. This is for you to recognize the person you love a little more clearly, and to make you see value in what you may have taken for background noise.
Appreciate…
The next step is to appreciate the person you are with, the one you love and admire are inspired by, the one you smile at when you see them after a long day. Appreciation can be shown in so many ways, but the most important, and memorable, have to do with you and your time. Stop your life. Introduce your loved one to that opening in time, and spend it with them as wholly as you can. For the minutes, hour or 10 that you have, set aside worries and commitments and immerse yourself in a moment of sharing. Sharing your verbal appreciation for them, sharing your muscles in cleaning the house with them, sharing your hug or massage, or a nice thought on paper.
Anyone can buy a rose, but how many of you have taken the time to draw a rose, cut one out of paper? Made a little song for your partner. Think of it as a commitment of self to a process that requires your time and energy, just like work. Just like your favorite hobby.
An appraiser has to really spend time looking at that painting, or that house, and immerse themselves in the detail before he/she understands its value. When you take that time to look, including some good memory, you may recognize some of the things you’ve taken for granted.
Appreciate (verb) : recognize the full worth of
Love has really only one requirement: that you show appreciation for it, in some way, at some time. Don’t be snowed in by that “unconditional love” stuff, it doesn’t exist (except in most cases of mother/child father/child). Not in any meaningful way between two people who share a life together. Just try taking advantage of your partner using that “well, she has unconditional love for me”.
Reasons…
As I said, people often get together for the wrong reasons, and stay together for the wrong reasons. The key is, is it working for you? Is it enough to make you a better you when you’re with that person? Is there something about them that inspires, or makes you love life all the more? And is your presence in their life doing the same for them?
The saying, “some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime” is a good take on things. Allows you to continue with an understanding that if the person is with you for just a reason, then figure out what that reason is. Learn from it. Apply the knowledge, ‘cause if you have to move on, at least you’ll take it with you, and hopefully that will help prevent the same problems in your next relationship.
Onward…
And remember, life moves on. There are some wonderful people out there, millions of them. And maybe quite a few who will inspire you into a wonderful relationship. Just remember to appreciate what you have, and what you have to give.
