Taking for granted...

Taking for granted…

First I have to preface this intended article on the basis that I am talking about people who love each other, even adore each other, and wish for a long happy life with that person. I have some experience in this arena, and from perspectives a lot of you probably wouldn’t believe (one or two of you might). I am going to talk from the perspective of a male with female, but it applies to all. It’s just a perspective I’m comfortable with.

Setup

Some relationships are set up to fail from the beginning for many tried and true reasons (I’m referring to reasons why people get together in the first place): Alcohol, peer pressure, expectations from parents, expectations from self at “established” ages in life, expectations for a mate clouding the reality of who is actually standing before you, dishonesty from the mate about who they are, your own dishonesty, immaturity, mental disorders (not a joke, though I chuckle from some experience), wanting to get out of a bad situation, religion, loneliness. Yeah, just a few. There’s more, but these cover a lot of bases.

Reasons why people stay in failing relationships: fear

Okay, I’ll elaborate on that just a bit. Fear of being alone, fear of financial loss, fear for children, fear of breaking established friendships and family ties, fear of being alone. Oh, I said that one. Well, it’s a big one.

Seems we humans find comfort even in negative relationships. It’s that persistent and adaptive part of our species that screws up a lot of lives including offspring. But just as we can adapt to ongoing negative stimuli, we can just as well adapt to new challenges that in the long run better ourselves and are better for ourselves and those connected to us.

Reasons for failure of a relationship are often rooted in the setup surrounding the forming of the relationship and those reasons that have little to do with us as a unique and creating individual.

I’m not going to here go into how one needs to establish themselves as a whole person instead of trying to find that in someone else. Or that no one else can make you happy, you make yourself happy. Someone else can boost you to new heights, inspire you to grow, charge you with feelings of contentment, joy and even wonder, but you have to do the work on knowing yourself, liking what you know, and then expressing your gifts.

That’s another article.

Assuming…

So let’s assume that we are talking about people who are together for better reasons than listed in the setup above. You met the person doing something you love, or were introduced, and a spark or a familiarity came over the both of you. You have a lot of things in common, you think alike, you have the same motivations in life, same religious views - or lack thereof, you like the way each other looks, smells, feels. You like their energy. Not a bad place to start. 

Humanity reasserts…

So you’re in a relationship with someone you love. Humans have a propensity toward pattern, recognizing them, exercising them. Every human being is unique. We all have some commonalities regarding needing to eat, breathe, sleep, use the bathroom, we have generally the same physical modalities, and we all have a desire to express ourselves in some way. 

Life comes at us and thrusts upon us the mantle of responsibility for ourselves and others. With that, we care, nurture, love, share. Some of us take more than we give, some give more than they should (in a way that reduces their ability and, dare I say, necessity, to remain healthy, mentally, physically, spiritually).

There is a certainty that opposites attract, and then bug the hell out of each other with that opposition later on. As the years move on we tend to fall into predictable patterns, not for just our own selves, but for those we love. And over time that, and they, become so much accepted “background” that we often don’t think of them until catastrophe or unhappiness stirs one to motivate attention. We listen (or cover our ears if the voicing is too loud), look at the situation, promise to do better, and then return to familiarity. To pattern.

Take a look…

Instead of allowing pattern and moving our loved ones to the stigma of “background”, we need to actively step outside ourselves, and our lives, and truly view what is, and who is, before us. Take the time, literally, schedule it if you have to, take it away from all those other things that are truly the background to the two of you moving through life. 

Now that you have that time, just sit, watch the other person (they don’t have to know about this, and it would help if they didn’t), take out a pencil and paper and just observe and write what you see and feel. Let your mind comb over all they are and do for you, for themselves, what makes you smile about them, what makes you think about them when you're not with them. 

You can do this mentally, but writing it is incredibly valuable feedback, we react to it differently when we get away from just that mercurial, insubstantial thought process and see it in concrete, and unchangeable form of letters and words on paper. If you’re so inclined, draw pictures that represent what you see and feel about the other person. This isn’t to be graded or corrected in any way, so don’t care about spelling either. This is for you to recognize the person you love a little more clearly, and to make you see value in what you may have taken for background noise.

Appreciate…

The next step is to appreciate the person you are with, the one you love and admire are inspired by, the one you smile at when you see them after a long day. Appreciation can be shown in so many ways, but the most important, and memorable, have to do with you and your time. Stop  your  life. Introduce your loved one to that opening in time, and spend it with them as wholly as you can. For the minutes, hour or 10 that you have, set aside worries and commitments and immerse yourself in a moment of sharing. Sharing your verbal appreciation for them, sharing your muscles in cleaning the house with them, sharing your hug or massage, or a nice thought on paper. 

Anyone can buy a rose, but how many of you have taken the time to draw a rose, cut one out of paper? Made a little song for your partner. Think of it as a commitment of self to a process that requires your time and energy, just like work. Just like your favorite hobby. 

An appraiser has to really spend time looking at that painting, or that house, and immerse themselves in the detail before he/she understands its value. When you take that time to look, including some good memory, you may recognize some of the things you’ve taken for granted.

Appreciate (verb) : recognize the full worth of

Love has really only one requirement: that you show appreciation for it, in some way, at some time. Don’t be snowed in by that “unconditional love” stuff, it doesn’t exist (except in most cases of mother/child father/child). Not in any meaningful way between two people who share a life together. Just try taking advantage of your partner using that “well, she has unconditional love for me”.

Reasons…

As I said, people often get together for the wrong reasons, and stay together for the wrong reasons. The key is, is it working for you? Is it enough to make you a better you when you’re with that person? Is there something about them that inspires, or makes you love life all the more? And is your presence in their life doing the same for them?

The saying, “some people are in your life for a reason, a season, or for a lifetime” is a good take on things. Allows you to continue with an understanding that if the person is with you for just a reason, then figure out what that reason is. Learn from it. Apply the knowledge, ‘cause if you have to move on, at least you’ll take it with you, and hopefully that will help prevent the same problems in your next relationship. 

Onward…

And remember, life moves on. There are some wonderful people out there, millions of them. And maybe quite a few who will inspire you into a wonderful relationship. Just remember to appreciate what you have, and what you have to give.

Inspiration

Inspiration

My latest inspiration came from a couple of close friends of mine who inspire me in different ways to “stay the course” on long endeavors like writing a novel. One is a rather smart woman I admire for many reasons, she sends me tiny visual tidbits when I’m past my deadline for writing my blog that are meant to provoke me to action. Here’s one of them from her recently (I share because I like the visual pull):

“Having expected some and gotten none, the hand apathetically withdraws back into darkness…”

And another:

“A mild whimper grew in intensity until it reached the crescendo of loud wails…”

I sure didn’t want the image to get any worse, so I stopped my life a bit and sat down to write this. After all, I all ready had a rather good day getting my other projects done, chapter 11 of my novel is well under way and my cooperative art project has been added to.

Another inspiring woman (and I really mean that) has been taking my creative “intention” and making me accountable for it. We recently signed a pact for a deadline for our individual creative projects - an exciting and grueling co-commitment. It’s a pact after all, worlds will explode if we don’t come through.

I tend to have many paths for my creativity to express itself. They are tied around a few mainstays of my personal identity: writing, art, and guiding my fellow martial artists to new physical, and in some, spiritual, heights. Breaking that down: 

Training people for physical individual expression is challenging and rewarding. You have sets of rules you have to follow, physics for one, where you have no say in the matter as far as physical constants, range of motion, or mass and inertia are concerned. And then there are functional body mechanics, refining one to standards of efficiency, or doing the most with the least. Beyond that it’s taking what is before you, the individual, finding out what they bring to the table and then helping them free themselves from some of their mental and physical restraints (self or other imposed) so they can function fluidly with another creating individual. Elements of chess, physics, and freedom of expression combine to make a statement of the creative self. It isn’t about hitting or throwing or kicking. It’s about living and dynamically creating in the present. The worries of life surrounding training disappear and one is taught to immerse in the present. 

Writing is an immersion in a kernel of thought/visual that blossoms into a visual/emotional/textural expression of characters and story. In my head it’s wonderful, powerful, a vast expanse of world-shaking creation. On paper, on screen, I have to connect my words to my immersion so that everyone else can see, and hopefully I convey it with enough practiced connection that what I see and feel internally gets shared with some accuracy. 

In art there are two forms of expression I am currently involved in. Figure drawing and…Anashun. Don’t bother looking up Anashun, I made up the word (poetic creative license remember? An amalgam of Anna and Shaun) to describe a particular freeform drawing experience shared by two artists - the results are pretty awesome (at least we think they’re nifty). 

Figure drawing is taking in what’s before me, connecting to some internal mechanism that exists completely in the present, and then drawing on paper what I see. The process is an un-encumbering of what I experience in the rest of my daily life. The critic is silenced, the world shuts out, and I…well, sometimes I hum. I’m silent enough that I don’t bother anyone else, but what can I say, the body does it’s own thing when I shed my attention of time.

Anashun is taking what someone else has started and growing from that. The internal mechanism is different than figure drawing. Figure drawing has rules of line and proportion, Anashun has one rule (well, two if you add the 25 minute time limit), you must branch off of what has been drawn (essentially a refined doodle). From there your mind takes in the visual, intuits your own connected creative tie, flavors it with your individual expression, and then draws. Absorbs the newness of the combined. And draws. The immersion is wonderful and very time-shedding. The end product is…well, for us at least, inspiring. We’re branching into other modalities too. You work 25 minutes with it, pass it to the other artist and then they get it back to you a day or a week later when they’ve added to it. Quite interesting what two creative minds can express in relation to another.

Isn’t that what it’s all about though? How we all connect, share, create, and then express anew? That’s what inspiration is about, a shared experience. Whether that experience is witnessing the way sunlight plays on water mist, a child’s laughter, processing a complex math equation, or just you going about your life being true to yourself and expressing that truth freely. That’s inspiring. And that’s world-changing when we share it.

I have inspiring people prodding me to new heights, truly wonderful people who share a tie to me that is supportive and bleeds creative. I am fortunate, and I let them know it frequently by thanking them in some way. What they inspire me to do inspires them and others.

Thank the people around you who inspire you in some way, if even with just a touch on the arm or a wonderful, heartfelt smile. That smile can make someone’s day, and someone else’s, and on and on. A ripple effect of the positive. 

Inspiration doesn’t work if it isn’t out there working.