Hmmm, an interesting pause as I write this one. Expectations. Expectations are like some cute little kittens you snuggle up against your neck. But not just kittens: soft orange kittens with little white paws and a moist nose and tiny mewling voice that tickles your neck just below your ear.
Not only that, but they also stay that way, perpetually in a state of hurt-your-body cuteness, forever available for you when you need a lift or distraction from what life sometimes unpleasantly brings.
And not only that, there are as many of them as you want. You can keep them all to yourself, buried in fur with cute licking mouths, or share them with anyone in the world you deem worthy.
That’s expectation. It doesn’t require anyone else, only an unfiltered (through the prism of reality) and unchallenged desire.
Those with certain expectations often find that experience has been working behind your back creating other plans. Life’s experience is not just your own. We all have some input in this. If you want to curb unrealistic expectations, you have to look at a few things, especially if it involves another human being.
1. Communicate.
This one kills most people (sometimes literally). Either there isn’t any communication, or there is not being able to communicate effectively, you know, where the other person actually comprehends what you’re saying, and where you allow for the other person to respond back, freely.
With regards to relationships (as this is what this article is focused on, if you haven’t guessed), you have a few ingredients that make up good communication.
Respect for the other - which means their viewpoint, their desires, the way they process things.
A desire and curiosity to understand the other person - give them time to talk in their own time.
A willingness to believe that it is just possible you may be wrong about some issue.
An ability to freely apologize.
A willingness to work toward a conclusion that benefits both. I always hear about “compromising” and I dislike the crap out of that word. “Work toward a conclusion that benefits both” is so much better. It’s a positive. It’s a freakin benefit for crying out loud. Who could complain about that?
The reason I go on about communication is simply because a lot of expectations are internalizations that don’t see the light of day until they aren’t met. If you don’t communicate a desire, how will the other person know what it is? And don’t you dare give me this ultra-crap about “they should just know”. If you’ve said that, feel free to spank yourself with nice, spiky ignorance stick.
Anyone here live inside someone else’s head? Raise hands. Hmmm. So then you don’t really know what another person is thinking, now do you? How can you expect the same from them?
There are times when you may do things for someone that meets certain needs or desires and the other person didn’t even have to ask. Great for you. You’re either very thoughtful, in which case these things will best be labeled under “gifts” with no expectation for return, or you’re a people pleaser and need to understand why. People pleasers tend to give of themselves until there is no “themselves” left to give. There is help for that. Seek it before you disappear.
Some people do things for others because they expect others to do for them in return - of equal or greater value. Bad mojo. These are people I like to put in the “weed” pile in my life. I’m sure there are piles you have of your own. If you are only doing something because you expect the other person to do the same for you AND you don’t tell them what you expect in return AND don’t get what you want in return, then you have no one to be angry with but yourself.
I suspect people like that don’t reveal their expectation to others simply because they know they will eventually end up in someone’s weed pile, either that, or they’re clinging to expectations overrides their wisdom.
Open communication tends to dissolve unrealistic expectations. Seek it out. Practice it.
2. Understand humans, accept them and accept their variety.
Human beings, generally, tend to operate in a manner that favors their best interests. Call it survival. We are all like that to one degree or another, those who aren’t like that at all are most likely not around for us to pick on. Expectations, voiced or not, are a demand on another being whose interests may not lie along the same paths as your own.
Human variety also throws a cog in the machinery, as we each view each other from a completely unique perspective. What you may see as valuable may not be anywhere close to what someone else views as valuable.
Also, we each may or may not have certain sensitivities and intuition that keep us in tune with another or our surroundings. If two people’s interests lie very close on the same path, toward the same goal, then there may be overlaps in thought and action that negate the need for expectations entirely. But don’t leave it up to chance in any event, not if you really want something. Communicate your needs and desires. And give someone slack if they don’t see your perspective right off the bat.
3. Give yourself a break.
Expectations are based on a desire or need for a particular outcome. This is all fine and good if the expectations are centered on you, stem from you, and only include you. But give yourself a break there too; you are human. We sometimes fail to meet our own expectations because of outside influences beyond our control, or because of an unrealistic understanding of our own abilities. If you need improvement in some area or other, seek honest opinions from people who will speak honestly and without prejudice, i.e. people who see you for who you are.
Demands and unrealistic expectations from parents are often repeated in a child later in life. This has the flavor of not living in your own skin, accepting your own value in life, finding your own path. You are valuable, just as you are. The whole of this picture we call life needs your piece to make it complete - no matter what anyone says (including you).
People who don’t have a lot of expectations are often the ones who are more pleasantly surprised in life when good things come their way. They are also less likely to be devastated when something less good happens. Overall, remember that your expectations rarely affect just you and they often cause more trouble in the long run than simply just asking for what you want.
