What is fair?

we step boldly across each other

certain in our certitude,

rapt carriers of our ignorance

the mesh requires vines,

an interweaving of bests and

inspiration - you can keep your

ignorance, but lay, please lay

your best over me

and I will grow strong in you,

best in you

-SER

Fair is how you are to yourself — A conversation with Shaun.

“But that’s not fair!” She says to me.

“What’s not fair?”

“He was supposed to give me the same. Everyone else got equal amounts and I got less because he doesn’t like me.”

“Why are you still there?”

“What?”

“Why are you still there?”

“At work?”

“Yes.”

“Because I need the money, the insurance. How else am I supposed to live?”

“This is living for you?”

…(Silence)

“Your first statement of its not being fair; what’s fair?”

“Equal amount for equal work. If Sarah gets twelve for the same amount of time I put in, then I should also get twelve. Not fair is his giving me less because he doesn’t like me as much as her.”

“Then he’s acting naturally.”

“What?”

“Naturally. Nature. Nature doesn’t know fair. It’s a concept we humans created. If he truly doesn’t like you, then naturally he will have a tendency to lessen your benefits to assuage his emotional context. This shouldn’t be surprising.”

“But it’s still not fair!”

“Do you want to know what fair truly is?”

…(Rapt attention)

“Fair is how you are to yourself.”

…(Absorbing)

“All of life is unfair. No one is born under a special life-clause that guarantees fairness. Nothing about our genetics perpetuates fairness. We have built-in pathways, most of us, for empathy, which, in the end, results in bonding with one another in familial patterns. But there is no fairness legacy. We favor the presumption that we are all born of equal value, but are not equal in our gifts, our strengths, our expression—and this ‘not being equal’ flies directly in the face of the concept of fairness. The first one to cry ‘that’s not fair’ automatically puts themselves in the position of a victim. Perpetuating victimhood is not fair to yourself.”

 “But shouldn’t-“

“Shouldn’t assumes some self-context you’re applying to another. There is no intelligence in assuming another will automatically cater to your values, or sense of fairness for yourself. We each walk this earth as self-contained creating individuals. If I value you because you have demonstrated, consistently, favorable interactions and outcomes that bolster my sense and action of fairness to and for myself—and I inspire the same in return—then we will both walk the earth together, stronger. Two individuals whose value is honored.”

“Well…how does this apply to work and my boss?”

“Speak openly and clearly without the victimized emotional context. Let him know your value. If he refuses to honor it, then move up the chain over his head. Speak your truth and value until you’ve exhausted the chain. If you still aren’t valued, then move on. Find people and places where you are valued for your self-expression, your gifts, your strengths. It is the one true way you can find fairness. Fair is how you are to yourself. 

At the end of life you must ask the question: have I lived my expression truly, honestly? Have I lived it under a diminished victim presence, or have I treated myself well and with value? 

Victims don’t express their truth, they demand from others and their energy is shunted to the effort of feeding their emotional context. That is a waste of the expression of life. It is uninspiring. How often does one favor the company of a victim over the inspired expression of someone who knows their value and expresses it positively?”

…(Silence)

“Stars die when contracting upon themselves; they fail under the weight of their own gravity. We too die under the weight of our own gravity, the feeding of negative states. A star extending outward, expressing truly all it is, inspires life. When it has given all it is, it becomes part of those it has touched. The expression of life continues. “

…(Thinking, takes a deep breath.) “Well, then I hope there’s another job out there for me, because I don’t think my boss is going to like my expression.”

“The universe favors true expression. The universe is bigger than your boss.”

(Smiles)

My child and religion

My child, today I am going to discuss religion since you have started asking questions. 

I take her hand; she is strong, playful, curious. We find a large boulder near a brook and we sit. I pull her onto my lap, arms around her, but lightly, so that she can break free easily if she so wishes. Our eyes squint from the sparkling caused by the sun on the water. The boulder beneath us is comfortable and smelling of moss. Bird song and flap of wing play our ears. And then there is quiet, except for a tiny breeze touching leaves against one another and the sound of water moving over rock. I kiss her soft hair and begin.

“There are three things in life that we all must take in, what we must understand: proof, or truth; theory; and belief.

Now truth is a funny thing. It can be a certainty to all men and life, like physics, where a rock thrown travels at a certain speed and distance depending on what force we apply and what angle we release the rock -“

“And air resistance,” she interrupts in her little voice, her mouth clearly enunciating the word resistance as if it held some special meaning.

“And air resistance. Good. You are very sharp today.” I give her another kiss on the head.

“But truth can also be a personal thing. I have many truths and so do you. They help define us as separate and unique. Special. We all have them. And some of us even express our truths well. Like you, with your tree climbing and your smile and your drawing and the way you say re-sist-ance.

You truths come from all your experiences, all your play and thoughts you think and all the physical things that make you be able to run fast, or give you your hair color.”

“Like from mommy.”

“Yes, you have both of us in you, and a little from my parents and hers and their parents and on and on. Mommy’s and my puzzle pieces fit together. My DNA clicks together with her DNA and the genes express to make you.”

“Mommy has the baby machine.”

“Yes, that’s one reason why she, and all girls, are special. Most of them, with their bodies, can create a child who can create things — including another child. We men can only create things for the child to live in, to play with, to ride in.” 

“Men are special, too.”

“Yes they are. But you will learn: men shape the world; women hold it together.”

I sense she has another question, feel her mind processing, but I guide her back. “That is a lesson for another day.

“So we have truths for all of us, and then we have individual truths. Now there is also something called theory. Theory is an idea we think might be true and we want to prove it somehow. It comes from a desire to know a cause from an effect. Like, if I think that more people on the street will look at a person with green hair than with brown, I take steps to put a person on the street with green hair, and then later one with brown, and sit back and look at what happens.”

“Green hair,” she giggles.

“Yes. Green hair. So here my theory can be proven or not. If my theory is proven, then it is a good theory and it has truth under the conditions I tested it. If it is not proven, then maybe I change the conditions, like trying the green-haired person in more than one city, or may all of them. If it still isn’t proven, then my theory has no truth under the conditions I tried.

Either way, it is either true, or it is not true. And it can be a truth for all, or just an individual truth.

Now there is one more thing called belief. Belief doesn’t require the desire to prove anything like a theory does. Religions are based on belief, and for those who invest themselves — give the direction of their lives — in that belief; they require no proof.

It is tied to individual truths, because one cannot believe in a god like Vishnu or the Father of Jesus, Jesus Himself, or Allah just because someone else tells you to. You have to have it in you, some experience that drives you toward investing in that belief, or you are simply going through the motions because everyone else is. And that is an empty existence for an individual.

I will teach you of other religions like Catholicism. I will have Amar tell you about Hinduism and Sy about Islam and others will tell you about Buddhism, and so on. You will go forth with knowledge, as that is the best way to know more things.

Not all people have to have religion to have happiness. There are many who don’t. They go through life finding happiness in simple things like the smile of a child, or the scent of a flower, or the hug from someone they love. They find a purpose in life doing things they love, expressing themselves through climbing mountains, or drawing, or singing, or helping people, or figuring out math problems. There are as many different purposes to life as there are individuals.

Some people spend all their lives looking for a purpose; some people try to give you one. Beware of those who try to give you one. Your purpose is your own, so is your discovery of it. Let no one try to tell you what it is.”

What’s purpose?” she asks, looking up at me.

“It’s your reason for living — why you do things.”

“What’s mine?”

“Just be who you are. It is found in your desire to express yourself,” I tap her on the chest. “You keep listening to what is in you and keep expressing the joy that is in there and you will find your purpose.”

She sighs and leans heavily against me. We watch the sunlight on the water and dragonflys skimming the surface and edge of the brook, green transparent wings shimmering. In the distance, a bird sings a high melody, pure and clean. 

I lean in to her ear. “I love you,” and before she can reply, “and that is a purpose too.”

She holds my arms tight, thinking.

Expectations

Hmmm, an interesting pause as I write this one. Expectations. Expectations are like some cute little kittens you snuggle up against your neck. But not just kittens: soft orange kittens with little white paws and a moist nose and tiny mewling voice that tickles your neck just below your ear. 

Not only that, but they also stay that way, perpetually in a state of hurt-your-body cuteness, forever available for you when you need a lift or distraction from what life sometimes unpleasantly brings. 

And not only that, there are as many of them as you want. You can keep them all to yourself, buried in fur with cute licking mouths, or share them with anyone in the world you deem worthy. 

That’s expectation. It doesn’t require anyone else, only an unfiltered (through the prism of reality) and unchallenged desire. 

Those with certain expectations often find that experience has been working behind your back creating other plans. Life’s experience is not just your own. We all have some input in this. If you want to curb unrealistic expectations, you have to look at a few things, especially if it involves another human being. 

1. Communicate.

This one kills most people (sometimes literally). Either there isn’t any communication, or there is not being able to communicate effectively, you know, where the other person actually comprehends what you’re saying, and where you allow for the other person to respond back, freely. 

With regards to relationships (as this is what this article is focused on, if you haven’t guessed), you have a few ingredients that make up good communication. 

Respect for the other - which means their viewpoint, their desires, the way they process things. 

A desire and curiosity to understand the other person - give them time to talk in their own time.

A willingness to believe that it is just possible you may be wrong about some issue.

An ability to freely apologize.

A willingness to work toward a conclusion that benefits both. I always hear about “compromising” and I dislike the crap out of that word. “Work toward a conclusion that benefits both” is so much better. It’s a positive. It’s a freakin benefit for crying out loud. Who could complain about that?

The reason I go on about communication is simply because a lot of expectations are internalizations that don’t see the light of day until they aren’t met. If you don’t communicate a desire, how will the other person know what it is? And don’t you dare give me this ultra-crap about “they should just know”. If you’ve said that, feel free to spank yourself with nice, spiky ignorance stick. 

Anyone here live inside someone else’s head? Raise hands. Hmmm. So then you don’t really know what another person is thinking, now do you? How can you expect the same from them? 

There are times when you may do things for someone that meets certain needs or desires and the other person didn’t even have to ask. Great for you. You’re either very thoughtful, in which case these things will best be labeled under “gifts” with no expectation for return, or you’re a people pleaser and need to understand why. People pleasers tend to give of themselves until there is no “themselves” left to give. There is help for that. Seek it before you disappear.

Some people do things for others because they expect others to do for them in return - of equal or greater value. Bad mojo. These are people I like to put in the “weed” pile in my life. I’m sure there are piles you have of your own. If you are only doing something because you expect the other person to do the same for you AND you don’t tell them what you expect in return AND don’t get what you want in return, then you have no one to be angry with but yourself. 

I suspect people like that don’t reveal their expectation to others simply because they know they will eventually end up in someone’s weed pile, either that, or they’re clinging to expectations overrides their wisdom.

 Open communication tends to dissolve unrealistic expectations. Seek it out. Practice it.

2. Understand humans, accept them and accept their variety.

Human beings, generally, tend to operate in a manner that favors their best interests. Call it survival. We are all like that to one degree or another, those who aren’t like that at all are most likely not around for us to pick on. Expectations, voiced or not, are a demand on another being whose interests may not lie along the same paths as your own. 

Human variety also throws a cog in the machinery, as we each view each other from a completely unique perspective. What you may see as valuable may not be anywhere close to what someone else views as valuable.

Also, we each may or may not have certain sensitivities and intuition that keep us in tune with another or our surroundings. If two people’s interests lie very close on the same path, toward the same goal, then there may be overlaps in thought and action that negate the need for expectations entirely. But don’t leave it up to chance in any event, not if you really want something. Communicate your needs and desires. And give someone slack if they don’t see your perspective right off the bat.

3. Give yourself a break.

Expectations are based on a desire or need for a particular outcome. This is all fine and good if the expectations are centered on you, stem from you, and only include you. But give yourself a break there too; you are human. We sometimes fail to meet our own expectations because of outside influences beyond our control, or because of an unrealistic understanding of our own abilities. If you need improvement in some area or other, seek honest opinions from people who will speak honestly and without prejudice, i.e. people who see you for who you are. 

Demands and unrealistic expectations from parents are often repeated in a child later in life. This has the flavor of not living in your own skin, accepting your own value in life, finding your own path. You are valuable, just as you are. The whole of this picture we call life needs your piece to make it complete - no matter what anyone says (including you).

People who don’t have a lot of expectations are often the ones who are more pleasantly surprised in life when good things come their way. They are also less likely to be devastated when something less good happens. Overall, remember that your expectations rarely affect just you and they often cause more trouble in the long run than simply just asking for what you want.

Dyslexia: A Process

I can’t claim my dyslexia expresses itself in the same way as the majority of people who have it; though I suspect a great many of them will relate to what I write here. 

I’ve been studying myself, over the last 4-5 years in particular, and think I have a better way I can relate some of what I, and others with dyslexia, go through on a daily basis to those who might have a hard time grasping/realizing the processes involved internally.

First thing; I want to try a little exercise with you. With the following exercise I want you to try to be aware of what is actually going on in your brain as you process the task I put you through. Simply, try to be aware of the demand of focus your mind shifts into, how it closes off the external to some degree, and engages a part of the brain that is required for the process.

Exercise (you are allowed to round up, the exact number to the decimal point is not required)

Take the number 13 and divide it by 2.

(Remember to try and be aware of how your mind is shifting into another mode)

Take that number and add 4.

Divide by 2 again.

Add 23.

Now that you have that number, and hopefully paid attention to how your brain shifted to a more intense mode of focus, I will relate that to dyslexia. 

With dyslexia, that process you just went through, is nearly the same focus required to discern SMIPLY into SIMPLY.

Same effort, or focus. 

More focus is required to process the following:

“Teh which standard by aech known is hcaracter.” 

Into:  

“The standard by which each is known is character.”

You can see how great parts of phrases can be interpreted in a mixed-up fashion, not just character switching, but also structure order. 

I have had numerous corrections in the writing of this article so far, where the letters were jumbled and needed to be back-spaced and deleted and retyped to make something easily legible for you - and that’s what slips past the “overseer” in my head that regulates my particular pathway to the written word (it also applies to speech).

Most everything I write has to have a pause period in my mind, where the words are un-jumbled and corrected with a feedback mechanism I have developed over years and years of writing and listening to people (which is a task all on its own sometimes). 

What I envision in my head is entirely visual, words too. They take place in my mind as objects with a physical “presence” or feel. (Now I realize there may be a bit of synesthesia going on here, but that is another article all it’s own.)

Try translating the feeling of “mud” into words, and you’ll get an idea of what I have to process when changing my visuals of even text into written word.

This translation process came into conflict with my job at an international shipping corporation, especially during the first year or so there. 

In order to reduce the chance of placing the wrong package on the wrong truck on the wrong shelf, supervisors would tell employees to take their marker and circle the printed numbers on the package (that identify truck and shelf location) so as to help focus their minds on getting the right number into the right truck.

My mind doesn’t work like that.

My process is seeing text as objects or impressions; letter and number shapes, color, and feeling that are associated with other impressions in my mind related to which truck it goes into (and many other associations for that matter - thus the need for a specific amount of focus). 

When I shift from an interpreting/associating mode to a drawing mode, as in circling the number on a package, my brain goes into a realm where there are no restrictions, no end to possibility - and no easy link back to which number/letter shapes goes to which truck. 

Drawing mode, for me and other artists, places me in the immediately realized environment; in the now, with little to zero attachment to language or language-related data. In fact, I’ve experienced writing after a drawing session, one where I’ve spent a good hour or so immersed, and I cannot accurately explain the difficulty reattaching to what letters meant.

For other people at work, the circling thing seemed to help them focus. For me it made things even more difficult. There were two distinct battles going on in my mind for dominance; one pertaining to language processing of data I didn’t write, but needed to interpret-relate, and one to the ever-potential where my creative mind wanted to fill in it’s own words, visuals, impressions within the circle I drew. 

I stopped doing the circling thing and my rate of getting the right package in the right truck on the right shelf went up; well above everyone else. 

Poetry

What I write is related to visual impression. To me, a visual in my head = physical feel. Not just what an object actually feels like in reality, but some interpreted impression I actually feel in my mind. It also equals emotional context, and continual branch-pathways to other related information.

This rich pool of information makes my poetry visually rich.

You may ask, “how on earth do you do anything with all this going on in your head for everything you hear, feel, smell, taste, or see?”

The answer is simply that I filter out a lot of data, rather it is subdued in its importance. It’s the equivalent of not paying full attention to the sound of the air flowing through the A/C vents, or the refrigerator humming in the background, or the hum of overhead fluorescent lighting while I listen to someone speaking. 

When I write poetry, or much anything for that matter, I have to sort through a lot of relational data. Strong impression to feeling is associated to strongly connected visuals in my mind and experience, and they are then translated to word. Most everything is done in my head, and with some exceptions, what you see as a final draft is actually my first draft. I have an editing process that whittles away some extraneous words after, but for the most part it is all processed internally. 

This has an interesting relation to how I would do math in school. When a teacher would say “show your work”, I would have a difficult time translating what was going on in my head to get to my answer. Asking someone like me to show my process may require quite a bit of time :) Back then, I didn’t have the awareness I do now of my own internal process. 

Reading

For me the challenges of getting past some of my twisting of letters is less of an effort than to read an author who does not connect visually to me. I struggle through some text, some sentences and structure that is dry and not immediately related to a visual flow. This makes reading some authors an immense labor, where my mind tries to interpret not only their foreign sentence structure , but their conceptualization of material. 

Prior to my own self-study, I would get frustrated and have little use for text that hit me that way. Now I get frustrated because of the labor involved, but I now understand it isn’t me, it’s the author. In my perspective, good authors and less have everything to do with how well they translate imagery. 

Early on in my childhood, comic books held sway and directly connected text to visuals. This kept me reading and later, writing. I still read some of them to this day, they are a great foundation for those with dyslexia.

Listening, or: sound words

Dyslexia doesn’t limit itself to just written text. Some of us have auditory dyslexia too (yes, I am included here).

The same way the brain has to process text for visuals, the brain has to translate sound words into the same. The translation difficulty also works in reverse, where my own spoken words can sometimes come out jumbled, mixed up. Then there are times where the brain gets overloaded and someone speaking words at me makes no sense whatsoever. At those times you may see me straining, tilting my head, or hear me say, “Excuse me?”,or, “I’m sorry, I didn’t hear that first part…” which has very little to do with my hearing in most cases, which is excellent; I know, I’ve been through extensive medical testing trying to figure myself out. This has everything to do with understanding the sound words coming at me.

When the brain gets overloaded, nothing spoken makes sense. It doesn’t last long, seconds, but in that time the brain gives up completely trying to figure out what was just said. It’s an in-the-moment process, where word sounds come to me as a complete garbled mess, as if all the consonants had been smeared with the vowels into a paste, or some alien vocalization that has absolutely no substance or related meaning. Sound is translated into a visual and texture, and it too has to make some sort of related sense to me. And when it does, it then has to go through the same letter and word-switching process that written text does. 

Hopefully, this will give you a better understanding of the processing the mind of a dyslexic has to go through, so that understanding can be passed on to someone near you who may be having difficulty with this disability. Awareness is the first step to understanding. 

We each have to find the process that works for us. And though we can try other options, we have to understand that in the end; what works for us - works for us.