(audio link)
So here I am writing about men. A dear friend of mine wanted this, so blame her : )
Here is the disclaimer, please refer back to this when or if you come across something that invites your ire saying, “why, that isn’t so at all!”
Disclaimer:
Being a man I have a fairly good grasp on what makes me tick, for the most part. The following is an expression based on my own introspect of my own experience and those of other men whom I have known as close friends, associates, or through distant, and not-so-distant observation. This is specific to my experience and observations and does not claim to include all men everywhere. For the most part, one can apply the following words as prefix: “generally speaking”. There are exceptions. And some exceptional exceptions.
Now, on to the writing.
We have feelings.
This might come as a shock to a lot of women, but we do. And, our feelings are just as important as yours are. Feelings for us, however, aren’t some grand vista we enjoy frolicking in, sharing or expressing to the delight of the other men around us.
For most of our lives we’ve been geared toward action; creating, destroying, fixing, protecting. When plagued by an emotional onslaught, which could be something as terrible as a tear rising because of witnessing something beautiful in nature, we tend to make sure no one is around looking as the emotion works its way through us. If someone else is around, another man for instance, we shift from the focus of the emotion to a physical expression, or turn the uncomfortable welling up into something that can be joked about. Sort’a takes the sting out of the tear, so to speak, and puts us back on the path of being strong again.
Emotions = weakness. That’s what most men believe, or are taught to believe. It’s a soupy, mushy, wet…are you getting the picture here? Nothing about those last descriptives says “strong”.
We are conditioned from youth to be strong, all our play, challenges, posturing and confrontations are based on what we can physically do. We aren’t in the position of throwing emotions at one another, preferring a nice, solid knuckle sandwich instead. It’s easier to deal with, states intention and decisiveness and usually clears things up within seconds. For the winner at least. The loser has to deal with the stuff we aren’t taught to deal with, the emotional aftermath.
I dare say women aren’t quite “taught” how to deal with emotions either, they just have more practice and experience using them, though there are exceptions (please go back and read the disclaimer), most women aren’t raised expressing their physical strength for fun and fighting in lieu of emotional awareness. We are all taught solutions on how to deal with the situation that causes the emotional uprising, but rarely how to understand why we feel a certain way about something, or ways to reduce emotional stress through journaling or meditation or, get this, understanding the other person’s perspective. Fix the problem, not create an understanding (which, in turn, fixes the problem and better matures us, emotionally speaking).
We like to be admired
Why do you think the knight had shining armor on and not dull armor? We like to be admired for our pretty feathers, proud and spread out to attract…oops, sorry, that’s a peacock. But the point is the same. Why the heck do you think we build all that stuff? Or exercise our strength to help out when we can and another cannot?
I’m not talking about putting us on a pedestal and throwing flowers at us, I’m talking about the little things we do that makes us men. We like to be admired for opening that jar of jelly, or for lifting more grocery bags at one time than you can. We like to be told how strong we are, or how well we did something, especially when it comes to something that flexes our male (generally speaking, go back read the disclaimer) strengths.
Now, you can say everyone enjoys that, and you’d be right, but it’s different with us, it puffs us up and makes us want to do more of that, makes us feel that we are fitting in the world properly, in our place. Don’t forget the praise, male-specific praise, include touch or a hug to top it off. It. Works.
We have a mouth, or: we like to be heard.
“Once you get a man to talk, he just won’t shut up.” - Anyone have that problem? Most likely not. Men are often cut off mid sentence, or run over (yes, poor poor men) when we are trying to express something. And let’s get to the point: yes, we don’t always know best how to communicate (again, knuckle sandwich remember?). That requires a ton of patience on the other person’s part, but the reward for such patience is incredible. Words tend to be connected to feelings and feelings are something we don’t spend a lot of time understanding or wanting to understand. See the connection? When we are cut off or not allowed to express ourselves verbally (patience remember?), we are cut off emotionally and we may shut off, or build resentment for not being able to have a voice.
It’s important. Listen to us please, and try to value what we say. The more practice we have, the better connected we are to our emotional expression - just don’t try to force us to talk for cryin out loud! Whew, don’t do that. Just hear us when we start to open up. Don’t finish the sentence, don’t jump to a comparative in your own experience and interject. Let us finish what we are saying. Wait a few seconds as he might not be done. Then ask a question. Questions are a great way to get people to talk. They tell the person we want to know something, and if you’re doing it right, it also says that you just might value what we have to say. And if you value us, we feel good about being with you, will talk highly of you, will climb a mountain for you. (Yes men, that value thing goes both ways, don’t forget it, ever. And I mean ever.)
As with any relationship, words coming out of someone’s mouth to another someone they supposedly love, should never be tinged with insults or degradations. Ever. If one can’t talk to someone without cutting them down, then that person should not talk, and needs to deal that bunch of emotional garbage and behavior with a therapist. Don’t put yourself through that. Language is a beautiful thing, it should always open doors, not close them. And certainly not smash them to bits and then stab you with the little pieces.
So there’s a little bit on men. Secrets if you will. Spread it around. You might be surprised who doesn’t know this stuff.
