Disclaimer:
Being a man I have a fairly good grasp on what makes me tick, for the most part - and how women make me tick, challenge and inspire me. The following is an expression based on my own introspect of my own experience and those of other women whom I have known as companions, close friends, associates, or through distant, and not-so-distant observation.
It is also an expression based on intimate, long conversations with women. One in particular gave me the wisdom of her years and life experiences, intense that they are, specifically for this blog. Her analysis, observations and experiences color this writing in areas where my knowledge and experience could not possibly go. I value her thoughts and thank her most sincerely.
This does not claim to include all women everywhere. For the most part, one can apply the following words as prefix: “generally speaking”. There are exceptions. And some exceptional exceptions.
- Women Part 2 -
Upbringing
Greater delineation of our differences comes from our nurturing, or lack of nurturing, and environment growing up. Here are some examples that, for better or worse, help shape us separately in life:
Toys
Here the media plays an important, gender-specific, role in influencing children in play. It is the boys who play with dump trucks and guns, not the girls (personally, I think women with knives and guns are sexy, but that’s me). And how many girls are playing with the easy bake oven, as opposed to the male majority of chefs in the restaurant business? Methinks there are a lot of boys playing with the ovens behind their sister’s backs.
Girls aren’t encouraged to play rough and tough. This I can’t understand, having trained many women over the years in self-defense. You are doing your child an injustice by not letting them, or encouraging them, to express physical skills. Training the body trains the mind, it encourages self-reliance and independence, it enhances coordination and (in strength-related play) keeps bones strong.And physical play is a huge stress reliever.
Childhood play sets up a lifetime of positive characteristics that help them deal with the world and adversity. Less women would be victims of crime if they are taught early on that they aren’t weak or incapable and that rough play isn’t just for boys.
Emphasis on looks
Where boys are told basically to scrub their face, wear clean clothes and to comb their hair, girls are trained to view and apply lip or hair coloring, face-painting (yes, that’s really what it boils down to. Come on, you apply it with a brush, right?), type or style of clothing and mannerisms, “a lady sits this way”, etc.
Women are trained for emphasis on looks for what reason? To attract a partner, and with the majority of the population it is for attracting a male. For most of us, a man is sexually attracted to the opposite of a man, and the more brightly colored the distinction, the more attraction. (If we are talking about physics and biology, highlights are more immediately noticed than shadow - this is with regard to coloring, but also psychologically with personalities. “Noticing more” and “being able to live with” are two very different things).
Yes, there are differences in degree here as well. Some men, myself included, prefer a more physically capable woman, as opposed to one who is soft and has the right paint job. And there are women who feel more comfortable with a less-masculine or dominant man.
Sexuality
Girls are taught to withhold and boys are, more or less, applauded for sexual conquest or expression. This certainly has to do with girls getting pregnant at an early age and becoming a burden on the parents, as well as the way we view girls as weaker and to be more protected than a male in society.
There is also an emotional context women deal with with regard to sexuality and the person they engage, as opposed to a man’s sensitivities (stop laughing). Certainly, emotional maturity is not at it’s peak for decades (if that) and men, not having any great ties or understanding for emotional states tend to not be sheltered the same as women. In play, when a boy gets hurt, he may cry a little and then move on, whereas a girl is expected to be held and assessed for more possible damage. She may also linger in her mother’s or father’s arms longer for emotional comfort than a boy (her comfort, or the parents’).
I do have to put in a word about parents and the media over-sexualizing our youth. There are parents who talk about, and sometimes in depth, about their little Suzie or Johnny having a girlfriend and the associated references - this at 4 years old and less. Gearing up children for behavior you really don’t want them to engage in, or somehow feeling the need to live through them, is inappropriate. Let a child live a child’s life.
Expectations.
Think for a minute just what expectations you have set up for your female child, or just women in general. Female children are expected to empathize more, to show care. They are not immediately chastised for crying. Household chores or yard work is different, relegating the heavier lifting to the boys and the cleaning to the girls. Boys fix things, girls have boys fix things. Discipline is physically harsher on boys, and girls are often spoken to logically and told why something was wrong. Boys get to choose the sports they go into more than a girl does.
Expectations are also a byproduct of observation. A child watching her mother change her hairstyle or color, or make comparisons to other “more beautiful” women, and then manipulating her features to reach a perceived aesthetic or to assuage insecurities, teach the child that change is important and to not accept yourself for who you are. Insecurities are passed on to a child as effectively as a bad gene.
Gender-specific expectations relating to personality development - and micromanagement of such - are a limiting thing for a creative, unique, child.
Breathe, just breathe
Women have this terrible attachment to guilt for some reason. It drives many of their actions and stimulates many a depressed state - as well as causes them to run themselves ragged pouring over children’s concerns, husband’s concerns, friend’s concerns, pet’s concerns, world concerns…well you get the idea. Knock it off all ready ☺
Men are not afflicted with this to the degree women are (and some women may say “not at all” and I wouldn’t fully argue the point).
Women seem to take time for themselves only when they become so overwhelmed that they either collapse or are admitted to the psyche ward. Little hint here: that doesn’t help the people depending on you.
Take time for yourselves at regular, scheduled times (because some of you have to put this down in writing and have it signed by a judge) during the week. Each week. Every week. From now until you’re in the ground.
The more you’re refreshed and physically de-stressed, the more functional you become, the more pleasant you are, and the more it bleeds out onto everyone you touch. And you touch a lot of people. So, if you won’t do it for yourself, do it because it is better for them having a happy you around. If they have any brains in their head (or desire for self-preservation) they will give you this time, they will create it if it doesn’t exist, they will move a mountain to see you are taken care of. And remember this little bit, guys: In a life-death scenario where she has the choice to save you or your child from drowning, the child gets saved. So bump yourselves up a little bit on her ranking system by treating her well, it may mean the difference between life and death one day.
Breathe now, take in a deep breathe and let it out slowly and know that we are immensely happy you are in our lives. You inspire us and challenge us to become more than we are, you’re beautiful to look at and you smell really good. And your touch…well, it’s so much home.
After all, women are the world.
