Middle Child

(audio link)


The middle child, hmm. Interesting things have been written about them, and as far as studies and research goes I can only make comparisons where they intersect with my own truth. Here are a few things I will comment on, these are typically suggestive of the middle child based on research, both ongoing and complete, as well as logical extrapolations researchers have had to go on when subjective topics were breached.

Sometimes they feel invisible

In my own way that wasn’t something I worried about or concerned myself with. My nature growing up with eight brothers and sisters tended toward following my own path very early on, I had to discover my own path through a lot of solo play and analysis of my environment. This, by itself, meant pulling myself out of the stream of “what everyone else was doing” and focusing inward on my thoughts and imaginings, creating my own worlds. This tended toward seclusion, spending hours and hours imaging and creating, so in a sense, I was invisible for a lot of the time as I forged my own path.

I was an introvert, whether it was a product of my deep introspect, environment, genetic tendency, or all of the above, so being out of the limelight was more a pleasure to me than the reverse. That changed later in my early 20s as I got fed up with the associate of my introvertedness - shyness.

There is a related theme in research about how the middle child often has the fewest pictures in family photo albums. That is a truth I have experienced, but for different reasons. For me, it was because I was always the tech-child, the one behind the camera, or off doing something by myself when photos were being taken. Looking back, I do wish there had been more photos of me, would have been interesting to see me at many more stages as I moved through life.

I suppose there are other middle children who struggled to be noticed in their family. I had no such concerns. I simply never even thought of it. By itself, it was a non-issue. 

The middle position (birth order) is one of the prime forces behind science and social revolutions

I’ll keep you posted on this one ; )

May be especially influenced by their peer groups

Not for me. Quite the opposite in my case. There was much I simply didn’t value about what was going on with cliques or other groups, especially in school. I valued, and value, the individual, and that was difficult to find in a group of people looking to be accepted by each other. The close friends I did have had unique, expressive qualities, or they accepted me for who I was, and not who I was with. 

Overall, being the middle child of so many had its advantages. I could get lost doing my own thing fairly easily, and was left alone in that regard simply because I think my mom was just curious what direction I was going to take. She had the wisdom to give me that freedom and just see what happened, giving me the sage advice, “You can do anything you want and put your mind to (in life).” She said this with full conviction and it is something I keep with me to this day.

The phrase “he’s a late bloomer” was wrapped lovingly around me…well, at least maybe more so as something to mollify her own brother’s and sister’s questioning minds about me at family gatherings when speaking of their children. In retrospect, I probably put the kind woman through more than her share of concern regarding me. Had she known about the risk-taking I did up in trees and off of roofs and…well, it’s better she doesn’t know about all that. 

But, late bloomers are in good company too. From Grandma Moses who didn’t take up painting until she was in her 70s to Dr. Ruth Westheimer (yes, you know, the lady who did a stint as a sniper in Israel in her late teens) who started her famous radio talk show in her 50’s. The list goes on, Ian Flemming, Charles Darwin, Mark Twain all were late bloomers with regard to when their successes touched the world. 

Some research suggests that middle children are more likely to engage in dangerous sports or careers that have an element of danger and/or risk.

The above line was in regards to the middle child wanting to be noticed and needing to find ways to stand out. As I wrote before, I was never one to need or want the limelight, preferring to be in my own safe corner of the world, creating. I have to believe my risk-taking was something genetic. Yeah, I’d have to agree with that one. Though I don’t consider my training and founding my own martial art defense system dangerous, enough people do that I think it might qualify. And I suppose I have enough injuries over the years to endorse that qualification. And, um, there’s that stuff about the roof-jumping and other such that won’t be revealed till my later years. Perhaps.

Middle children are inventive, more independent, and are born mediators and negotiators

I have to agree with those statements and I think they are related well. With enough children above and below me in the family, I saw many ways of how not to do things. I’m sure there was some understanding about how to do things, but they aren’t as easily remembered as all the how not tos. We were/are a community all on our own, each brother and sister a completely unique individual, so growing up I had my own research venue to pull from and personalities to deal with.

I had to be inventive on many levels. Risk-taking creates its own obvious demands so I won’t go into that. But I did find myself as a child listening to and trying to understand both adults and children for the purpose of trying to redefine arguments or to make someone feel better when something that wasn’t pleasant happened. I wasn’t always successful at expressing my care or concern, that skill took many years to develop (probably won’t ever stop being refined), but I think I got the feeling across that I was there, that I cared. 

There were graphic, and sometimes violent examples where I had to negotiate for my safety or the safety of others, which I won’t go into, but I’m alive, as are loved ones, so I at least functioned adequately for the task.

I favor those who are independent, like myself, those who do their own thing not for the purpose of being seen as independent or unique, but because it is a natural part of their development and expression in life. Its funny when you think of those who wish to be seen as unique only to fit in and be accepted by those who they want to be a part of. There’s the example of all those young girls trying to emulate Madonna during her heyday, claiming they were expressing themselves as unique, but all dressing up in Madonna fashion. Unique just is, it doesn’t emulate.

Conclusion

My own childhood experiences characterizes the middle child thus:

Middle children do take longer to find their path in life - using a lot of trial and error. The dynamics of children above and below, which seem to be more easily cemented due to the parent’s focus and growth and experience with raising a group of children, help define my position on this. Once the older children are capable, they tend to share in the workload of raising, and as a byproduct, allow middle children to be influenced by a developing older child - who may have other attention focuses. This doesn’t give the same stability or directional influence attention an experienced parent gives. It also doesn’t give the same sense of authority to the middle child, allowing them to bend rules to find their own way. It’s easier to get lost and rebel to an older sibling than an experienced adult. 

Middle children are exposed to a unique flux of developing personalities and minds. In all of this, they not only have to deal with their own “sorting out”, but also sorting out the maelstrom of flexing ids and egos around them. This is where the need for negotiating and mediating has to come into development, out of necessity to try and instill a sense of order in their own world. They are often besieged by attempts at control from the older ones, and attempts at manipulation from the younger ones. You may say they are the same thing, but they are not. An attempt at control implies one is coming  from from an assumed position of power, and can use manipulation as a means to an end, but in my experiences it is often more direct than subtle. Manipulation, especially from younger children, doesn’t often stem from an assumed position of power, so their needing, creative minds have to engage in manipulations subtle and gross to achieve their ends.

Middle children do need that one on one time with a parent (they may not often get as much as other children in the family). I fondly remember two major influences in my development, both in self and in connection with my parents. My dad isn’t a verbose man in the slightest. I remember spending hours riding on a tractor next to him when I was around 10, as he plowed and then raked a large field. I spent most of my time standing next to and leaning on the tractor fender as the angle of the tractor tilted because of the furrows created. Clods of dark dirt would kick up and sometimes be thrown against the fender, making a dull metallic thump under my hands, my mind taking it all in, the lay of the land passing beneath us, the distant tree line perspective changing, the dark birds landing confidently to pluck freshly uncovered worms from the upturned soil. 

Much later, when we were level, switching out the plow and pulling the rake behind us, the air changed. A wind rose, spraying us with fine dust from the topsoil that had been aerated and broken up. I would occasionally sit against dad on the little bit of seat he could give me as the sky turned deep orange and red as the sun closed the day.

Dad didn’t have to say anything, and I don’t recall many words passing between us at all, as we were both pulled into the experience of nature around us and our minds wondered freely. I knew he was there next to me, I could smell him, feel him as I bumped against him. A part of my mind that noticed such things, told me I was safe and reveled in the assurance that he was there.

With my mom, I was probably a couple of years younger, we were walking out toward the woods on a clear and beautiful summer day. The air was full of the scent of cut hay and the occasional darting peep of a bird intent on insect treats among the hay rows. Mom has this wonderful voice that consists of patience and happiness and groundedness. She started asking me questions about science, one of my favorite subjects, more particularly on molecules and their invisibility and such. What was so important wasn’t the content of what she was asking, though content was a wonderful joy of mine and she knew it, it was how she seemed so completely interested in what I had to say on the matter.

One answer from me would get another question from her, never disputing or correcting my expression, but showing only more curiosity and then, get this, waiting for me to formulate my thoughts and complete my response. She listened to me, heard my voice. That was powerful. It’s power reaches into my life to this day with any women or person I spend time with. And its something I take my time to exercise when someone is speaking to me. This “being heard” stuff is powerful indeed. 

Thank you for listening.